Question to the psychologist:

Hello!!! Help me understand the reason for my husband's communication with another woman. We have been together for 10 years, we are 25 years old, we have a child, he is 1.8. The husband is not sociable, he never communicated with other women. I recently found out that he is hiding communication with a former colleague. He deleted phone messages and phone calls. Until the last moment he did not want to admit it. But in the end, he said that he talked with a girl from work. I was shocked. To my question about what he could communicate with another woman and hide it from me, he replied that they just talked about work, about life, nothing personal, he did not want to talk about it, because I knew that I would not like it, so I hid it. He said that he began to communicate with her recently, about 2 weeks before he left his last job (according to him), and after leaving he called her for 2 weeks until I found out about it. He says that communication would end this, there would be no continuation of this, that he loves me, and communication will stop it. He lied a lot about this situation, so there is no more trust. Even when there were facts that he called her, he still denied at first. And yet, initially he said that she called him, after that I found her and her husband in the social. networks and threatened that I would write to him about this, he said that he always called himself and very much asked him not to write, so as not to substitute her. He said that it was he who wanted to communicate, that it was just interesting to communicate with her, and that she was just communicating with him. Lately he hasn't really told me about his old job, explaining that everything is the same there, nothing interesting. What then were they talking about work ??? I asked about sympathy for her, said that there was no sympathy, I understand that if there is, she still will not say. Tell me how to believe him again? For me, this is a betrayal. She also knew that he was hiding this communication from me, but she still continued to communicate with him, by the way, her husband is also jealous, of course he does not know about it either. I want to understand why he needed this communication. Calling every time and asking how are you, every week, with a little acquaintance girl (she is 26 years old, no children), somehow it doesn't look like him to put it mildly. Honestly, the relationship has been very tense lately, we often quarreled, constantly on edge because of a capricious child (especially me). By the way, he said that she was similar in character to him (calm), to my proposal to look for someone calmer than me, he said that he would not be interested in someone like her. Tell me how to behave with him?

The question is answered by psychologist Mishneva Elena Yurievna.

Hello Tatiana.

Why does the husband communicate with another woman?

It seems to me that he himself explained everything: "..they just talked about work, about life, nothing personal", "He said that it was he who wanted to communicate, that it was just interesting to communicate with her," "said that she was similar in character on him (calm) ".

These arguments are quite plausible. The question is, why don't you like his explanations? You have known each other for a long time and probably know each other quite well. If I understood correctly, before this incident, your husband did not give you any reason to doubt his loyalty and honesty.

Why exactly now this situation has arisen (communication with another woman)? You answered this question yourself: "To be honest, relations have been very tense lately, we often quarreled, constantly on edge because of a capricious child (especially me)."

Perhaps, while communicating with this woman, your husband unconsciously tried to get what he now lacks (calmness, self-confidence, the feeling that he is appreciated (at least as an employee), etc. That is, what he would like to receive from you.

You probably know or guess about this, but do not know how to fix the situation. First, allow yourself to feel what you are feeling now. Help yourself to calm down and relax by doing what you love and enjoy. Do this as often as possible, rest whenever possible, because caring for a small child requires a lot of effort. Talk to your husband, don't be afraid to ask for help. Do not forget about yourself, listen to your desires. This is important for your peace of mind and the well-being of your family. After all, your husband loves you and wants to be with you, which means that everything will be fine.

The situation, when, turns out to be more difficult than at first it seems. Usually women are tormented by a superficial question - should it be considered cheating? If not, what is so lousy on the soul? On the one hand, you need to somehow stop their communication, on the other - how to tell your husband about it, so as not to look jealous. And, thirdly, it's stupid to prohibit such things - after all, the man doesn't seem to be very much hiding this correspondence, and in general this has been discussed with him many times. He is only angry that he is not doing anything wrong.

So this is a problem of a slightly different level.

Level one. It's not about cheating or not. Probably, not everyone considers simple communication with a person of the opposite sex to be treason. The depth of the problem is that this correspondence gives only pleasant emotions. Well, a man will not continue to communicate if a woman is unpleasant to him as an interlocutor, or the correspondence with her is annoying. So he likes to do it. Even without a second thought, just communication. But sooner or later - and more often sooner - it develops ... no, not into sympathy and desire for treason. It becomes an outlet and begins to be associated only with a positive effect. There can be problems and quarrels with a wife - this is natural in a marriage. But with that woman there is always only positive. This is the danger invisible at first glance. Women, by the way, feel it, even if they cannot explain it. They can listen to girlfriends who say “forget it, well, it's just that, he doesn't even hide it,” or they can pretend that they understand her husband’s explanations, “She’s just my friend.” But in their souls doubt gnaws at them. And it gnaws right!

One blogger received a letter from a man. A very heartfelt letter, by the way. He regrets how badly and ugly he once acted with his ex-girlfriend. Dumped her and married another. She asks for advice on how to properly ask her for forgiveness and whether it is possible to somehow establish communication, because she has always been a good and interesting person. In the meantime, it turns out from the letter that he and his wife had a not very healthy child, they often quarrel and in general. Do you understand, yes? For several years he did not care about his ex, but when the tension arose in the family, he immediately remembered "a good and interesting person." Then he will establish communication with her, will complain about his difficult life, and end up confessing how he was mistaken.

Level two. Let it be simple husband is texting other women, even if this is just an innocent communication, but at what time does it take place? At the time that a man could spend with his wife or children. Especially if everything is not going smoothly in the family. Instead, he spends it on correspondence with another. How can this be perceived adequately or not exacerbate the problem? In addition, supporting a man-friend, the other woman, naturally, often speaks out in a not very pleasant way about those who give him experiences. That is, it turns out that the husband allows another woman to criticize his wife! This is not a gate at all. And there will never be any formal reasons to express your dissatisfaction. "She's my friend", "you got it all wrong", "she just has this style of communication", "why is she wrong?" What the hell ?! (c) This style of communication ?! And how should this calm me down?

See how far innocent things can go? Not to mention the existence of primitive instincts - we are imperceptibly drawn to those people with whom we feel good and pleasant. We start with a simple “How are you?” And end with leaving the family.

There is one more important point to understand. When we get married or have a serious relationship, we have to give up some of our bachelor habits, willingly or unwillingly. We give up something voluntarily, something ceases to be relevant and disappears by itself. And we change something at the request of a partner. For example, when we get married, we stop going to nightclubs or end up talking with male friends - at least in private. It is likely that there is nothing wrong with clubs - we just go there to relax, and the man is just a childhood friend. But if the husband does not like it, we concede, realizing that for a married woman, unfortunately, it is correct to take into account the opinion of her husband, if it does not come to insanity. Likewise, the husband should, in turn, give up some habits from a lonely life and listen to the requests of his wife. There is something prejudicial in his communication with other women or not, but if his wife does not like it, if she asks him to stop, if he sees that this communication damages the relationship and hurts the woman he loves, he must stop it. Even if it's just communication.

This problem is not uncommon. It would seem that your marriage was happy, nothing foreshadowed trouble, and suddenly you accidentally discover your husband's correspondence with another. When the emotions caused by the unexpected discovery subside, two main questions remain: why this happened and how to behave now in order to preserve the relationship. Most often, women consult with their friends or ask for an opinion from visitors to ladies' forums, but their advice is not always correct. By following such recommendations, sometimes you can only aggravate the situation. If you have witnessed a secret correspondence of your husband, the advice of a psychologist is the only thing that makes sense to listen to. We will find out what experts think about this.

Why does the husband correspond with the other?

If you directly ask your spouse about this (about whether it is worth doing, we will talk further), most likely he will answer that the correspondence is just friendly. Probably so far. But what to expect afterwards? Will innocent communication develop into not at all friendly sympathy, flirting, and then into something more? And in general, what makes a person in marriage look for a relationship (albeit only friendly for now) on the side?

According to psychologists, even the exchange of meaningless messages on the social network is already a wake-up call in itself. If a man needs a friend, in addition to his wife, it means that he lacks something in family life. Desiring to have what is missing, he will strive where he can get it. It is very likely that the matter will not be limited to virtual communication, and in the future a real meeting will take place with all the ensuing consequences.

What are the main reasons that can induce a husband to enter into secret correspondence with a girl, be it a “former”, longtime friend, colleague or casual acquaintance? Psychologists give some of the most typical examples:

• Unfulfillment, decreased self-esteem. Perhaps your spouse has stopped feeling important and needs confirmation of his own worth. The other provides him with what he does not find in the family - he listens with interest to stories about work, shares hobbies, gives advice, supports, etc.
• Fatigue from household chores, boredom. Family life has turned into a swamp, and the object of correspondence is like a breath of fresh air, a source of new emotions and impressions.
• Desire to relieve tension. Difficulties at work, a constant sense of responsibility, a high level of anxiety caused by the modern rhythm of life are all natural factors that provoke stress. If, in addition to all of the above, there are conflicts and misunderstandings in the family, it is not surprising that the husband is looking for rest and tranquility outside of it. Only the ways of relaxation are different for everyone. Some choose alcohol, others go headlong into hobbies, and still others immerse themselves in romance and correspondence.
• The need for female friendship. Psychologists say that it happens. Men are not inclined to share personal problems with each other, including those related to relationships. Perhaps your husband needs advice that only a woman can give. Why isn't he talking to you? It is possible that the root of the problem is in your relationship.

So, if you find out that the husband is in correspondence with another, the psychologist's advice number one is to think and try to understand why this is happening. Is your marriage really going smoothly? Are you paying enough attention to your spouse? Can he trust you in everything? Do you have common views and values, do you understand each other? Are you interested in your husband as a person, as a woman? Are you comfortable with you?

By honestly answering these questions, you can identify problems and, therefore, chart a path to solving them. But this is a long process, but for now it is necessary to understand how to act in the current circumstances.

How to behave: the opinion of psychologists

On women's forums, they give a variety of, sometimes contradictory advice on this matter. Some recommend that you immediately begin to investigate and demand to stop the correspondence. Others insist that you need to maintain external calm, but not let the situation get out of control. What do psychologists think?

The first tip is given above: try to understand what is causing the unsolicited correspondence and make an effort to fix it. If you feel that your loved one lacks your support, attention, recognition, try to change it. If you feel that you have become less attractive to your husband, take a closer look at yourself. If there are frequent fights at home, try to understand what causes them and work on it together.

Should I tell my husband that you know about his correspondence? Most psychologists give the following advice. It is necessary to discuss the problem, but calmly and without hysterics. Under no circumstances make a scandal or make demands. This behavior can have the exact opposite effect. Explain gently that your spouse's behavior is unpleasant for you; he may not even know what is hurting you. If your husband really cares about your feelings, he will stop meaningless correspondence.

But these tips only work if maintaining the relationship is important for both partners. If the problem exists only for you, or all the efforts made do not bring results, perhaps consulting a family psychologist will help.

Family life is a fragile boat sailing the restless sea of ​​human reality. And the more freedom, opportunities and desires people have, the more restless this sea is. A few decades ago, it was much easier to “figure out” that a husband was flirting with another woman or, say, communicating with a former lover than today, in the days of the Internet and social networks. If the husband is texting with another by phone or the Internet, then it is important to study the following tips from psychologists.

How does a correspondence start with another

A meaningless flirtation with a half-familiar or completely unfamiliar woman can be for a man mired in a family routine nothing more than entertainment, a way to bring a little drive and zest to life. Why does he need a drive when he has children at home?

A rhetorical question, ladies. Most men by nature remain warriors and hunters, albeit somewhere deep inside. And they need at least sometimes this nature to "take a walk". In this case, treason is not implied.

Why is the ex-girlfriend of the current family man so dangerous? Because his old feelings can easily revive, especially if the rival is somehow superior to the spouse of the restless subject. What to do? How to fight and - most importantly - with whom? With a husband or a rival? And is there a need for a fight?

The girl on the other side of the screen for a man is a mysterious, inaccessible nymph. She is a fantasy, a coveted hunting trophy. Unlike his wife - albeit beloved, but so familiar, so unraveled and "explored". The husband is not interested in the real personality of the one with whom he is texting. He doesn't care if she cooks well, what she is like as a friend and mother.

Because the virtual world is a world without responsibility, a world in which only beautiful words matter. And these words do not need to be confirmed by deeds, actions.

It seems that the beginning of the process is quite innocent. But ... most men don't stop there. When a spouse plunges headlong into the virtual world, becomes a hostage to the game he himself has begun, the wife turns into a kind of shrew, distracting and annoying. A beautiful stranger gives him new impressions, surprises and makes him happy. And the spouse ... And the spouse at this stage should think about how her faithful came to such a life.

The reasons for this behavior of married men

The spouse is in correspondence with many women corny, because he is looking for a new object of passion. A mistress, that is.

• The man stopped feeling like a conqueror, a hunter. His self-esteem was shaken, and new objects of "conquest" were needed to normalize it. In this case, the case may be limited to correspondence, or it may develop into a real adultery.
  A crisis. Either personal, for example, middle age, or in a relationship - and then you need to save the marriage.
• A man is simply friends with another, asks her for advice that can only be obtained from a woman. Perhaps there are serious problems in the family?
• A loving spouse thus wants to solve some "inconsistencies" in the relationship, to find approaches to his own wife. And who will tell you better than another woman?
• The faithful is in correspondence with a former lover or longtime girlfriend. This situation is one of the most risky. For an ex-girlfriend, feelings could still remain, and a friend - especially if she is lonely - can easily become someone more. Especially if communication on the Internet grows into real meetings.
• Correspondence is a semi-childish way to get ... attention from the spouse. The wife makes a scandal, and the husband is happy about it. At least they don't ignore him.
• The man is just having fun, not assuming active action.
• The husband raises his self-esteem due to the attention from other ladies. And, therefore, in the family, he greatly lacks love and attention.

The spouse is allowed absolutely everything - and he does not suspect that he is doing something obscene. If others can, why can't he? The wife should, perhaps for the first time in the years of marriage, show firmness of character.

The first thing that is worth finding out for yourself is whether the correspondence is real. Perhaps this is all speculation, fantasies, spurred on by jealousy. How to do it? It is enough to "probe" his email, SMS on the phone, history in the browser. Yes, it doesn't look very nice, but it's necessary.

• If there is still correspondence, you need to try to find out the reason. Think, what the husband can be dissatisfied with? Is everything all right in your relationship with him? In the house, in the family? Can you talk about everything, or will he prefer to discuss some topics with strangers?
• Talk, but only frankly. If positive change is important for both partners, you will have to work on them together too. Find out what you both like and dislike about the current situation, what you would like to change or improve - and start working on it.
• Or maybe the big boy is running away from the Internet because of problems with you? For example, after a particularly violent quarrel, during which you shower your husband with a barrage of reproaches? Or wanting to talk about hobbies that you are not interested in at all?
• Consider whether you are willing to personally fight for complete intimacy with your own partner. Is he dear to you as a person, as a person? Can he realize with you his fantasies, his dreams? Or are you only capable of serving him cutlets and borscht, and are ready to leave "high matters" to others?

After analyzing and completing all of the above, you will most likely find the cause of the situation. Can you fix it? Do you want to? This is both the main question and the guide to action.

If your spouse did not even think about something frivolous, he may not even guess that he hurt your feelings. Explain this to your partner gently but firmly. Ask how he would feel if you corresponded on the Internet with guys he didn't know?
Attention! Be sure to clarify what you think is reprehensible: flirting, or simple communication with girls. Just don't go overboard. For example, a historian discussing his dissertation with fellow ladies - 95 percent does not give rise to jealousy.

How to behave correctly

Pay attention to yourself. Let those around you have another reason to admire you! Change your hairstyle, buy a new dress, go to the spa. But you never know the options?

• Stop controlling your spouse - but don't stop watching him. Let the man feel that you completely trust him. In the meantime, you yourself will see if you have chosen the right partner in life.
• Freshness in a relationship is always beneficial.
• Do what you love. Enjoy yourself and the world around you and repeat step 2.

Does the family have kids? Let Dad do more of them! A man will feel important, loved, understand how impatiently they are waiting for him from work. And you will have a little free time - for yourself.

Hello Vika! I saw calls and correspondence between my husband and another woman. When she told him about this, he at first denied everything, then realized that there was no point in denying it. I put him before a choice, and he chose us with his son (12 years old).

He promised that the calls would stop, but the next day they called back anyway. She wrote not to look for her, to take care of his family. But I think that their communication continues, and I don't know what to do. I do not understand the meaning of their relationship: she lives in a city 200 km away from us. He immediately goes home from work, does not stay late, but at home he is aloof. Do not take the trouble to answer my humble letter: after all, I live in the village, and we do not have a psychologist.

Natalia

Dear Natalia! Many men go through a crisis period when it seems that real life is passing by, and true happiness is missed. Everyday routine becomes unbearable, and a person begins to look for something "authentic", deep and sincere feelings.

Often, without realizing it, men are driven to such a depressive state by their own wives. Many of our women are characterized by an indifferent and disrespectful attitude towards their spouse, underestimation of the importance of intimate relationships, neglect of their own appearance, excessive immersion in the household, in caring for children, etc. The husband with his feelings and experiences in her life is given the very last place. And if she accidentally turns up that begins to tirelessly praise and extol his dignity in every possible way, a man may not resist, even if the fan is inferior in all respects to his own wife. I know many examples when in this way clever aunts managed to break seemingly unshakable marriages. A typical mistake of women who find a “leftist” spouse is to issue an ultimatum: “Choose - me or she!”, “Stop communicating with her immediately or leave!”. The choice may not be in your favor. But you don't want that! Otherwise, she would not vigilantly control his contacts and suffer so. It was necessary to calmly ask with whom he corresponded and why he needed it. Most men answer that they communicate with a stranger just for fun. And here - without hysterics and shouting - it was necessary to convey to the consciousness of a loved one what you feel when a loved one acts in this way. That is, to lead the conversation not in the form of claims, insults and reproaches, but solely focusing on their experiences. Men, with external bulletproofness, tend to value their families. And even with a surging new feeling, they are extremely reluctant to get divorced, because they avoid stressful situations. They would rather have two wives. They try to hide the fact of infidelity from the legal one for as long as possible, and for years the mistress is composted with imaginary reasons that prevent them from leaving the family.

My advice: calmly state your position to your husband, and then never again reproach him with this offense, do not check his correspondence and calls. Let go of the situation, and it will come to naught by itself if you behave as if this episode had never occurred in your life. Be affectionate and benevolent, take an interest in men's affairs more often, try to leave with him alone away from home for at least a couple of weeks a year. Both of you need shakes from your daily routine and will only benefit you.